


Confessional

by CurryJolokia



Category: Kamen Rider OOO
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-01
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 10:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/526131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurryJolokia/pseuds/CurryJolokia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eiji speaks his mind.  Mid-canon, canon compliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessional

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hakaseheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hakaseheart/gifts).



 

I'd be lying if I said any part of Ankh was as I expected. Not that I had many expectations about a golem of desire and fire coming into my life and refusing to leave, until I cared enough about him that when he changed his mind, I fought to make him stay. Those aren't part of a normal everyday life, and for the most part, mine had been that, up until him.

I don't think he knows how much he means to me. It's not about him being a Greeed, either; there's differences between us, a gap of experiences, that no amount of explaining can ever fill. He's not a human being of flesh and blood, and I think that means that some parts of what we each can see will always be unknown to the other. I'll never know what it was like for him to live and serve the original king, the first OOO. Or to be a being of such incredible durability and longevity that he's seen centuries pass, epochs fading into sand while he sits unmoved. He doesn't like me asking questions about that time, refusing to believe that I ask only out of curiosity. He thinks I want to use the information against him, some ploy to get the Medals to myself, or to play him against the others.

We're far from the end of our battle and I don't know what the future has in store for us. I surely know I can't talk candidly with him about it; he shares so little with me, sometimes keeping even the most pressing information from me just because he's feeling piqued that day. He's mercurial and crabby, contrary for the sake of contrariness. Pretends he's apathetic when he's actually one of the most passionate people I know. There's far more passion in the heart of his Taka Medal than in my rotten soul. I don't think anyone but myself and maybe Hina-chan can see that, though. And his strength, his intensity, scare her deeply. I know she does her best, what she can summon from herself, she offers us, supporting me when she can and looking out for Shingo's body as best as we're able.

But there's so much she can't fathom herself doing, like joining my fight with that strength of hers. I wouldn't wish her to fight, she's too innocent and I'd like to see her stay that way; but even if I asked her to, I don't think she could. She doesn't have the willingness to charge in, to throw away any thought of herself and run _toward_ the bombfall, and without that, no amount of physical strength can do a damn bit of good.

I should know.

I won't put her in harm's way, so it's just as well that she's ill-suited for battle. Her brother, from what I've heard of him, is just as meek of heart, and yet he chose to become a police officer. And when we lost Ankh - blessedly briefly, thank the heavens - I saw something in Shingo I don't think had been there before. It's so hard to say, since I didn't know him all that well before Ankh came, but I think I saw some understanding in his eyes, some measure of comfort.

I can't imagine what it must be like to share a mind and a soul with Ankh as Shingo has done. Even comatose, he said that he's been aware of things, living through much of our adventures at Ankh's side. And so, at mine. I hope that someday, he and Ankh can stand side by side and by my side. The sacrifice Shingo has made is more than any of the rest of us, and I'm sure he knows in intimate detail how little gratitude he can expect from Ankh for his gift. But he still looked at me with peace, and some happiness, and that comforts me deeply.

I'll admit I'm jealous of Shingo, somewhat. I misstep so often when talking to Ankh. At the beginning it was easy to see how to keep him on his leash, as it were. I could threaten to quit being OOO, or withhold aisu from him, and coax him into talking with me, letting me at least continue the discussion with him.

Now it's all but impossible for us to see eye to eye, and the feeling grows in my heart that we'll drift further and further apart as this whole situation continues forward. I know a large part of him probably hates me by this point, and even more painful to me is the thought that he might not even understand why.

It's okay if he hates me, but I'm not half as okay with knowing how much of a stranger he is to his own self.

It's selfish of me, but I find myself wanting him to be injured. Not because I want Ankh to hurt, or to endanger Shingo's body. But if he's injured, especially if it's severe, I might be able to convince him to give up Shingo's body and let him go back onto life support. He's doing better now, beginning to heal ever so slowly as Ankh takes care of his body, and getting him off the battlefield might be the best, as Ankh and I march towards the end of all things together.

He would want a body, of course, and I know better than to think I could coax him off Shingo's arm and have him satisfied that way. But my foolish heart has been starting to dream up a wish, recently, a wish that's not even as good or useful as my desire to protect the world between the reach of my outstretched hands. It's far more selfish than even that, and it's probably also an impossibility. But I want it so badly I can barely breathe, sometimes, and I'll tell it to you now.

I wish that Ankh would take me as his host. 

And -- and yes, I know that's silly, it's ludicrous to want something like that, and it's just plain impractical too, because I probably wouldn't be aware of much as soon as he took me, but…

Last night, I woke from a dream that he was slipping onto my arm. I could feel the coins' edges sliding over my skin, they were curved and just a little rough. I remember I wiggled my wrist, helping him shimmy onto me, stretching my fingers out inside his claws. The medals clenched against my arm, making little ringing sounds like tiny bells, all clinking and jingling against each other. They were _so_ cold.

And then he was onto me, finally pushed all the way on, and we both felt it, like a shudder through my whole heart. I don't know how I knew he felt it too, he didn't speak, but I just felt it, like we were…puzzle pieces, fitted together. Like we belonged together, like this.

There was a rush of heat, like fire all over my skin. My arm was hottest, burnt by the medals plated all around it. They burned their emblems into my skin - Taka, Kujaku, Condor. I could feel the welts rising, I heard his scream. Like a bird screeching its victory. I felt like claws were wrapped around my chest, talons digging through my skin, between my ribs. 

I was lightheaded in the dream, I suppose one would be lightheaded when they're being lit on fire and punctured and so on. Lightheaded would probably be the least of one's worries, really, and it sounds so silly to say it out loud now, like this, like it was good, when if that happened for real, I might die! But it didn't feel like that, in the dream. It felt like ecstasy.

It's so silly. It's nothing anyone should wish for, of course. I can see that, you don't have to worry, I know it's wrong of me to want this.

But…

Oh, it felt so good. I remember, I couldn't tell if I was dreaming -- in the dream, I wondered if it _was_ a dream, because it was so amazing. It was like the hottest sauna, but drier. Like desert wind. I couldn't breathe.

And then, suddenly, he was there, in my mind with me, and he opened my eyes and I could see what he sees. The Taka's eyes, making everything so sharp, so hard, all edges and inflexibility. Precision. I can't even describe everything it was.

I could feel…not my heart, because I wasn't me anymore, but not his heart, because he doesn't have one. Well, not a flesh and blood one, I mean. He certainly has a heart.

It was beating so quickly. Like a bird's. And it was hot. Everything was hot. He's all made of fire inside, and I was inside him, and I felt like I was one of the Medals inside his chest. A Cell Medal, not one of the important ones. Just a little part of him, because the body we were in wasn't mine anymore. It was his now, and that thought made me…so happy. I wanted to cry, I was so happy.

It shouldn't, right? I should be disturbed by that thought, giving up so completely. I'm OOOs, and OOOs shouldn't want to give up, right?

But I don't want to give up in general, it was just that he-- Ankh was--

We flew. In my dream, he unfurled his wings, crimson and gold and green like young happy leaves in the spring. So beautiful. Six of them. We flew, and I could feel how happy he was, as soon as our feet left the ground. I knew it was something he yearns for, but…in the dream, it felt even bigger, even more, than I even thought it could be.

We flew until the air was gone, until we flew into the stars. He was all gold and red and glittering, long and lean and such beautiful wings. The most beautiful wings of all.

I know it's all very silly and probably I sound like I'm going to go do something dangerous, but, I'm not, I know he's a Greeed and still not to be trusted, I know I can't reform him or change him or make him regret what he's done. If I could, wouldn't that mean he was human already?

But…

I want to tell you this, just because…sometimes the heart feels better after you've said something out loud, doesn't it? I know you know what I mean by that.

I'd better forget all about it, after this. If I have to, I'll take him down to save the world. I promised him that, and I won't lose my resolve in that regard. I've done worse, I can surely do that much. So I want you to know this one thing, this wish that I've come to have, and then I can put it from my mind and forget it without guilt. Because you'll hold on to it for me. And I promise I'll forget all about it as soon as I tell you.

Because it's not an appropriate wish for OOOs to have, even though it's a wish that has its own value. And I'm selfish enough that I can't bear the thought of my little wish dying without anyone knowing about it. It's a tiny thing, but it's so powerful. Such a strong wish, no matter how I try to snuff it out.

So just for now, just until this cup of tea is finished, I want to tell you that I'm in love with Ankh. I'm in love with him, and I know he's a Greeed, with all of his cruelty and callousness and guardedness. And…I still love him.

I love him so much that I want to pull myself to pieces, give him the beating heart out of my body. I want him to have what he wants so desperately. And I can't let him have it. I can't sacrifice the world for him, and I don't even think I'll be able to save it without hurting him. He's one of them, and I don't know if I can find a way to defeat them all and spare him. I have to find a way to stop all of this for good, so no one ever becomes the mad king OOOs again. I know that's my purpose, I know that's what I have yet to do with my life before I can give up.

But…I love him. I love him so much, and I know it's fruitless, I know it's completely futile to even try, but--

I can't stop. He's not the desirous one, I am, and it's so _wrong_ of me but I still--!!

Oh gods. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'll clean all this up - I've made such a mess, there's tears all over, and that was one of your nicer mugs-- I'll have a cloth over here and mop up right away. I'm so sorry. And I've kept you too long, I've eaten up all of your time. You'll have to rush to get your work done now. I'm so sorry for keeping you.

But…thank you for listening to me. I had hoped…maybe talking to you about this would help me to move on, but…I'm sorry. I've wasted your time. And I don't think I can keep my promise.

This desire, this little selfish wish of mine. It's so tiny, but it's too powerful. Too strong for me to give up on it, even though I know I should. I _know_ I should. I should give Ankh up.

But I refuse.

**Author's Note:**

> Art credit: 映司が暴走する本表紙 by スダレ on pixiv.


End file.
